2023 Week 5 Power Rankings

  1. CalaBreece Lightning (5-0; Nick Calabrese): Thanks to Travis Etienne, it’s Ass-Etn-Szn, and business is boomin’ for Nick as he slurps another spoonful of ‘dub’. Not that he needed terribly much as everything goes wrong for Pat – as it always does. Things are looking up for another tasty dub as Nick faces Greg without Justin Jefferson in week 6.

2. Return of the Revved Up Gator (4-1; Greg Flohs): That DJ Moore stat line essentially sealed Greg’s victory on Thursday night – which was a good thing because Jefferson is now on IR for the next few weeks. What a kick to the family jewels that is. To make matters worse? Up next is an undefeated Nick in week 6.

3. Ja’Marrvelous TDs (3-2; Evan Clayton): Jesus Christ on a motorbike, Evan did something so very rarely done in the BFL – score more than 200pts in a single week. It is more than safe to say, Evan won handedly over Sean; who didn’t even play that badly himself! It is doubtful that Evan has such a robust repeat performance, but another win is obtainable against Ant in week 6.

4. Gettleman’s Hog Mollies (3-2; Jimmy Campbell): Underperformances from some key performers and negative points from the Commanders D/ST sealed Jimmy’s fate in week 5. All things considered, even if things went right, where they went wrong, Jimmy still may have lost. So just chalk up the L and move on to the next.

5. Fantasy Football Team (3-2; Steve Katz): Still not a great performance from Steve’s group but hey – a win is a win – and Steve is back above .500. If there is ever a time to stack garbage dubs, it’s early in the season; it will only make the dog days in November easier to handle.

6. Phoenixville Horn Dogs (2-3; John Williams): Thielen, Hill, Allen and the triumphant return of Cooper Kupp – everything went right for John in week 5. Not only that, but he dumped James Conner right before injury in his package for Kupp. What luck, John, am I right? Guess who you’re playing this week too?!

7. Team Maxson (2-3; Johnathan Maxson): Are there problems in the Team Maxson locker room? Because outside of week 2, this team is exuding an odor that is not an aphrodisiac – or even pleasant for that matter. To make matters worse, the last two weeks for this group were winnable matchups, and they just fumbled the bag. Johnathan better hope they don’t continue to stumble or their going find themselves stumbling down this list.  

8. Sparta Waffle Eaters (2-3; Josh Tucci): It was a tough BYE week for Josh as both Cooper and Evans were out, and that performance from DJ Moore just made it too much for Josh’s group. Never fear though Josh, I think you bounce back this week against Sean.

9. The Price is Wrong B***** (2-3; Craig Stalowski): Good news for Craig, he got that important second win of the season, but now add Achane to the graveyard list that is Craig’s IR. In other words, a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. However, with Craig’s injury woes having no end in sight, it may be more medicine than sugar in the coming weeks.

10. The Bonkers (2-3; Anthony DiMinno): Much like Team Maxson, this team appears to be in trouble, and injuries are only making things worse. Ant better hope Amon-Ra returns and can inject some life into this team or things may only get worse. Up next is a tough matchup against a surging Evan.

11. Kirk Island (1-4; Sean Washington): Sean you tried valiantly, and things were looking so promising after TNF, but sometimes you run into a goddamn shark. And not only that, but sharks with freakin’ laser beams on their freakin’ heads. You’re still down here with me, and I rather like company, but do your best to dig yourself out.

12. My Name’s Not Rick (1-4; Pat Masur): Jones out, Conner hurt mid game, Burrow and Meyers riding on the bench – things could not have gone much worse for Pat. If you include Chubb, this franchise is where RBs go to die, and if things don’t improve soon – this franchise is where a manager is sent to Waffle House. “Quoth the raven….’Waffle House’”.